just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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