i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
