I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
