I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
