Only a mothe r could love this liver
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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