She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
