Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
