Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
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He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
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I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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