I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
