this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
