My balls are so social today.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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