It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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