I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
