Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
