they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
