There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
