he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
