just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
