....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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