Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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