just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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