Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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