My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
