Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
