Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
