you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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