i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
