the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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