I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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