Swine flu is the new snow day.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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