I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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