I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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