I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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