cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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