Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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