I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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