he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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