All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I FOUND THE LEGS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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