Yo dont text me then not text me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
