He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
