Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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