I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
