I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
