If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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