he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
