my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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