I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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