I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
