I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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