I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
