Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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