I just cut my nipple shaving
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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